In my "past life," I was a successful businessman -- a solid, strategic, advertising executive. I never shied away from a challenge, and one of my greatest skills was my ability to problem-solve. I had an ability to understand a goal, the obstacles that lay in the path to achieving that goal, and the best ways through, around, under, or over those obstacles.
A former boss of mine, with whom I worked on a particularly challenging and complicated client, would regularly throw me the most problematic issues on the business. When I would start to tell him how I'd fix it or accomplish it, whatever the end goal, he'd invariably say, "Don't tell me how. Just do it." He didn't want to know how the sausage was made. He had the confidence that I would achieve the end goal, and SO DID I.
As my drinking progressed, and with it my depression and anxiety, everything just seemed
so much more difficult. Forget that these things probably were a bit more difficult for me, as my thinking was likely not the clearest, but, more importantly, I no longer believed I could handle these issues. Over time, smaller and smaller tasks became more and more overwhelming. The feeling of being overwhelmed grew to the point of paralysis. It became difficult to accomplish ANYTHING!
With that came frustration. The anxiety built. As any person afflicted with substance use disorder knows, when that anxiety builds, your brain tells you your best way through it is with more of the substance that's putting you in that position in the first place. That's how you'll escape for now, take the edge off, clear your head, become inspired, whatever angle your diseased brain tosses at you.
Of course, that substance will temporarily remove you from the situation, and, for a minute, you will feel better. However, when you do sober up, get straight, etc. the task is still there, and all you've accomplished is losing one more day. The anxiety builds, and . . . we're off! A truly vicious cycle.
One of the greatest gifts I have received in sobriety, and there are many, is that I have regained my confidence! That sentence probably deserves WAY more exclamation points, as it has been that important to me. It took a while, but I suddenly remembered that I am a smart, effective person. That I can problem solve. That I can fix things, think things through, and, if I don't know how to do something, I can do the research and/or ask for help and find solutions. I can help myself, I can help others, and others can help me!
IMHO, asking for help is a demonstration of confidence, not a demonstration of a lack of it. Unfortunately, we currently live in a society where admitting you're wrong or don't know something is anathema to many. It takes great confidence in who you are to ask for help in such a world. Anyone who has ever worked for me knows The First Rule of Working For Dave, "There are no stupid questions. What's stupid is when you screw up because you didn't ask the question."
One more note -- and this separates confidence from arrogance (see "Pride and Ego," 5/5/21). Another beautiful gift of my sobriety has been humility, or, as a dear friend of mine defines it, "the willingness to remain teachable." Humility has provided me with the capacity to understand when I need help, and, through sobriety, I have the confidence to ask for that help rather than the arrogance to assume I do not need it.
What a great day it was when I remembered who I am and what I can be. How incredibly empowering to suddenly regain your confidence, or, at least, suddenly realize you've regained it. You or the person for whom you care enough to be reading this can feel that too!
- Chappy
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