For most of us, the holiday season is a time for celebration. We gather with family and friends. We attend big holiday parties thrown by businesses, social groups, and our favorite bars (was that just me?). We enjoy good meals that are frequently preceded by holiday cocktails, accompanied by fine wine or good beers, and followed by post-dinner aperitifs. But in recovery circles, the holiday season is sometimes (deservingly) called The Bermuda Triangle -- Thanksgiving, Christmas/Chanukah, and New Year's representing the three "corners."
With all of the celebrating, as wonderful as it can be, the holidays represent risk for people with substance use disorder even for those whose recovery is going well and/or those who enjoy long-term sustained recovery. I frequently remind my clients that "we" were always either celebrating or drowning our sorrows. It never really mattered much which.
When a person with SUD is actively drinking/using, ANYTHING can be used as an excuse to drink/use. In recovery, that doesn't necessarily change, so it's important to pay attention to both the highs and lows. The SUD tainted brain can easily turn low points, but also high points, into reasons that it's OK to drink or use.
Some of what follows I've written about before, but it's worth repeating at this time of year. If you are a person with SUD planning to attend holiday celebrations I truly hope you have a wonderful time! Everyone deserves to enjoy the holidays. That said, it's a good idea to have some plans in place to mitigate the risks involved in the highs:
Stay true to your program of recovery. The holidays are a busy time of year and we frequently sacrifice in other areas in order to keep up. While that may be necessary, it is NOT a good time to take a break from anything we do to sustain our recoveries, be that meditation, exercise, mutual aid meetings, appointments with coaches or therapists, etc. Now is the time to double down more than to lighten up.
Play the tape forward. Before you attend that party, event, or gather to celebrate, stop and remember what happens when you drink or use and not just right now. Sure, in the near term that drink or drug may be fun, but where does it lead? What happens in the end? Few of us land in recovery because life was all rainbows and unicorns. Remember how you landed here.
Tell on yourself in advance. Accountability can play a big role in recovery. If no one knows where you are or what you are doing, it is much easier for the brain to say, "You can do what you want. No one will find out." If you let people to whom you feel accountable (significant other, friends, parents, therapist, sponsor, etc.) know that you're attending an event that will include alcohol, you'll know that they'll check on you, and (we've all been down this road before) you know that they WILL know if you drink or use. We now know, we're not as clever as we once thought.
If you are avoiding alcohol, bring what you want to drink. For many people whose substance of choice is alcohol, it makes us feel more comfortable to have a drink in our hand at events where others are drinking, and it makes it much easier not to partake if you are enjoying what you have in your hand. There's nothing wrong with bringing along something that will help you to join and enjoy the party. I do this ALL of the time.
Have an exit strategy. Especially if you are in early recovery, "squirrely thoughts" can happen, especially when you are around people who are drinking and/or using. Even if that hasn't happened to date, it's a good idea to have a plan, just in case. If you do start feeling squirrely, take a walk. It's amazing how fleeting those thoughts can be. A walk around the block may change your thoughts. Also, if you feel at risk, bring your own car, or be prepared to call an Uber or taxi, in case the walk doesn't work and it's just a better plan to leave. There's nothing wrong with pulling the ripcord. Skydivers do it all the time (I hope)!
USE THE PHONE! Another version of pulling the ripcord. I don't know anyone in recovery who felt at risk of taking a drink, called someone to discuss it, and still took that drink. Unfortunately, I also don't know that many people who have made that call rather than take that drink. One result of modern technology is that nearly all of us carry one of the greatest tools in recovery in our pockets at all times -- the phone! Please make that call before you drink or use. Even better, when telling on yourself in advance, let a person in your support network know that you are going to call them if you feel like drinking or using. You can always call me at (516) 218-1661. I'd be happy you did.
If you are entertaining and know that a guest or guests are in recovery, there are also a few a couple of things you can do to make them feel more comfortable.
Ask what they'd like to drink and provide it. Obviously, as a host, you are not required to cater to every guest's individual needs. That said, if you are so inclined, it is a kind and supportive gesture to provide the guest something that will help them to enjoy the party.
Be subtle if you're pointing out the non-alcoholic drinks. Many people with SUD are not comfortable with others knowing about their disease, so, when that guest arrives, wait until you have them alone or only with their spouse or significant other to point out the N/A beverages.
While what's above is great for those who are living their best lives with SUD, unfortunately, not everyone enjoys the holidays. Of course, that's not particular to people with SUD, but, many times, SUD goes hand-in-hand with personal loss or trauma. The holidays can compound those feelings. Many of us drank or used because of loss, lost because we used or drank, or both -- clearly, that can become a cyclical situation.
The opposite of addiction is connection. This is a commonly held belief in recovery circles (Author's note: I'm just realizing that I've never covered this topic. Look for this as the topic of an upcoming post.) If you are a person with SUD that has trouble or anticipates trouble with the holidays, try to get out see people. I know it's not always that easy.
If you don't want to, or can't, visit with friends and/or family during the holidays, mutual aid groups are a great way of sustaining human connection, and you'll very likely be around others with whom you can empathize. It's OK to go even if you've never been. You don't have to "belong" or "subscribe" to any mutual aid group to just show up and enjoy the company of people who understand where you're coming from. They're pretty cool like that.
Relapse is frequently preceded by a period of isolation which, more often than not, continues during use, as the great majority of people who begin to drink or use again while trying to abstain feel shame. If you know people with SUD, reach out to them during the holidays. If they are folks who have a tough time with the holidays, they are likely to make that difficult, but YOU will likely not know how much making that connection helps them through a tough time.
If you DO find someone has relapsed, try not to judge them. Support them. Not in their use, but as a person. They're using for a reason even if you don't believe that reason is valid. They're not weak. Their brain has a disease that tells them that when times get tough, there's a simple way to fix that. It's a nasty trick.
Here's hoping everyone can live their best lives during the holidays, including all of my peers living with SUD.
Remember, call if you need me -- (516) 218-1661. You can text as well, but I prefer phone calls. I'm old school like that. You don't have to hire me. I just want to help.
Happy Holidays!
-Chappy
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