As you would imagine, most of the training to become a Certified Addiction Recovery Coach (CARC) is about how to help our clients, how to treat them sensitively and ethically, and how to include them as resources in their own recoveries. However, you may be surprised at how much of our training and continuing education focuses on self-care.
The baseline qualification to become a CARC or a Certified Recovery Peer Advocate (CRPA) is that you are either in recovery or involved in the recovery of a family member. Clearly, this defines peers as a vulnerable population, and, as my wife reminded me on my own way to treatment, if I don't take care of myself, I'm no good to anybody else. It seems obvious, but that took a lot for me to learn, and it goes for everyone.
From my teens on, I played something of a caretaker role in my family. My childhood was by no means rough, but my father traveled a lot, and, when things got complicated, for whatever reason, everyone in my family kind of turned to me. It was a role I would subconsciously adopt in the long term, to my own detriment (now I do it consciously!).
Somewhere along the way, in my brain, I became "the guy that helps" and, for some reason, to me, that role was mutually exclusive from a guy that could accept help. The one time I got talked into help was after my father died in an accident. My wife and I were married less than a year, and the therapist seemed very focused on how our marriage was going. Anyway, not too many weeks in I explained to her, that, like many newlyweds, money was a source of stress, she didn't take insurance, and it was, therefore, good for my marriage to stop seeing her. Win-win!
When things were going bad down the road, I still had the same mentality. I didn't want help or ask for help. I was fine. Maybe, if I'd practiced some self-care back then, I wouldn't be writing this today. Seeing others in similar situations today has inspired this post. For anyone put into a caretaker situation, it is very easy to fall into a trap of relativism. Nothing that we have to deal with, personally, is as big or as bad as whatever we are helping someone else through.
Many times, on a relative scale, this is true, but that doesn't make the caretaker's problems any less real, difficult, or traumatic. Add in the stress and responsibility of the caretaker role itself, and this can be a recipe for trouble. For me, I dealt with it using my favorite stress reliever, alcohol.
Now, to someone with their head on straight, this was clearly a terrible idea, but you need to remember that help was what I gave. I didn't need it, and I certainly didn't ask for it, so I would just go through life "powering" through my problems the best way I could figure out -- take it all head-on, and take the edge off when I could. Of course, by the time I realized I needed to take the edge off all of the time, it was really too late to do anything about it.
We are not all cut out to be caregivers, and we are not all cut out to handle any given situation, but life's circumstances don't always keep our qualifications in mind. That is OK, but it's important to recognize it. I am reminded of a friend who due to their job was thrust into a front-line role during the pandemic. This person didn't have a career where front-line kind of stuff seemed a possibility. I mean, no one expects a pandemic, but if you're a healthcare worker you know it could happen and that you would be dealing with it. Not in this person's role.
This person was in recovery when the pandemic hit, and, unfortunately, relapsed (they are now back in recovery). In speaking with the person's family after the relapse, I tried to make them understand that, under that kind of incredible and unexpected pressure, the person's diseased brain told them the best way to relieve the stress, especially working 16 hours a day with no time for self-care, was to take a drink, and, if you're like me, it only takes one. Unfortunately and not uncommonly, this person did not seek help rather than take the drink.
In short, we all need to practice self-care, especially when we are thrust into complicated situations, but it is one of the first things to be sacrificed when we're too busy, especially when it's work or we're doing things for our children, aging parents, unwell family members, etc. But, remember, we're no good to anyone if we don't take care of ourselves.
Self-care can come in a lot of ways -- physical, mental, emotional, social, environmental, etc., -- and how you should, or need to, practice self-care is really up to you. Physical self-care can be as easy as getting some exercise, eating well, and getting proper sleep -- of course, with today's busy schedules, just doing those things can be difficult! Mental and emotional self-care can be as simple as taking some time to decompress through exercise (physical and mental!), meditation, taking a walk, or using whatever other tools you use to manage stress. Need to get out and practice some social self-care? Take a break and go do something fun with friends.
Self-care also means recognizing when you need help and asking for it, so if you're someone reading this who needs help dealing with substances, please give me a shout. I want to help, but I can't find you. You need to reach out to me.
-Chappy
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